Conference Weekend

Last Conference I separated it into two different posts for each day but I think one post will work just fine for this time around. I mentioned in a recent post of how I wasn’t really looking forward to Conference like I always have. My week started out looking better till Friday night and then everything was blown out of proportion. In the past I have always been the soul person in charge of everything and I felt like this time it was uncontrollably taken out of my hands and handed to someone else to do so a part of me felt so useless and then on Friday night when I lost the main thing I was looking forward to and still could have been a great help for.. I was left with cutting up the stupid chicken and the olives and I wasn’t even going to be there for the meal. I didn’t want to go anymore and I figured that even if I did decide not to go it wouldn’t be an issue and I wouldn’t be missed. All I had looked forward to was just tossed out the window and I wanted to just stay home and be sick. I didn’t want to be a party pooper for everyone else either cause that’s exactly what I turn into when im having a bad day. I waited till Saturday morning to see if my feelings would subside but I just felt sicker so I left for work with no plans on showing up to Conference after. Even tho it was a lazy day at work I had a better day at work than I usually do and driving home I gave myself a guilt trip for not having a desire to listen to the prophet of the Lord so?.. I went. It was only an hr and a half and it wasn’t going to kill me but still the entire time I was wishing I was somewhere else and I started to feel very claustrophobic. I left as soon as I could get away.. ive never never been very good with groups especially on my down days. Bill unexpectedly dropped by to give me a hug before he left which did help some but for the rest of the day I just hid in my room and I had no idea what I was going to do about the Sunday sessions. Again I didn’t want to go.. but both Shannon and Ryan were going to be there and in the end again it came down to Conference itself. After a big guilt trip I showed up on Sunday as well.. this time determined to put on a happy face no matter my mood. I didn’t want to spoil it for everyone. I did better than Saturday but still got a couple of questions from people asking why I was so quiet. I still felt very claustrophobic the entire time and very isolated from everyone. Later Sunday night it did get better and a few laughs were actually heard from me.. my high point of the day was lying on Bills couch with my eyes closed listening to the rambles about politics. It was very relaxing and I was so grateful the day was almost over. I came home last night expecting to get very little sleep but I actually slept all night long which was very highly needed. I have a few errands to run today but ive decided to spend the day winding myself down. I still don’t know if it was a worth showing up to Conference but I know that by going im not left with a regret. I plan on going back and watching the talks again here soon when im back to my old self and can get the most out of them. I wish I could blame my bad weekend on someone else but it was entirely my on issues and I allowed myself to get hurt. Next April will be better..