The Lords Will

I haven’t really taken the time to put my thoughts down for a while and reason being is I don’t really know how I could possible organize whats going on inside my head and put it all down into words. I freeze up every time even attempt to voice them with my own mouth so I guess maybe I can try my hardest to voice them with my hands. Lately I haven’t just retreated to my bubble but ive curled myself up inside and haven’t really paid a mind to the world around me. My trust in the people around me and even my closest friends has been slowly disintegrating. The smallest of things started to set me off which brings me to this last Friday night.. I had asked a friend to come with me to watch a movie and as small as it was when I was turned down my bubble grew some and I found myself trying to look out through the distorted walls. Honestly knowing how stupid I was being I tried to put it behind me but later I could feel myself getting sick. I found myself next door and as I sat on the couch I could feel myself start to shake and even tho there were two other people in the room with me slowly they started to disappear and I started curling up inside my bubble and then?.. while the two of them conversed with each other I caught something in their conversation.. I threw out my question and when it was answered I could feel my bubble grow a mile!.. a secret had been kept from me. At the time it didn’t even cross my mind it was probably for my benefit but at that very moment what trust I had left in anything at all just evaporated. I went back to my apartment and shut the door to my room and hid from the world. Not long later I dug up another secret which was kept from me. This one hurt ten times worse than the first. I felt as tho I was back in 8th grade when the only friend I had every known deserted me and I was left alone and abandoned. I need to make a change in my life but im at the point where I don’t know exactly where to turn or where to begin. Ive screwed up. I believe I could be over analyzing all of this but a huge part of me knows how important this is to my eternal salvation. I need to find some way to take control of my emotions again and take control of my life and live according to the Lords will. I know I can do this..